How This Book Helped Me Become a Better Dad

By Fernando Ureta*

The book “Between Parent and Child”, by Haim Ginott, has been incredibly helpful for me, allowing me to improve my relationship and understanding with my daughter. 

I really enjoyed reflecting on this to write this book review. It's been a couple of years since I read the book, and rereading my notes brought back memories of how my communication with my daughter was at that time, and the worries and doubts I had from not knowing how to improve it or having the tools to do so.

If someone asked me, “How has this book helped you?” , I would say it helped me understand and respect my daughter’s emotions. It gave me the tools to do this better and to stop reacting when her emotions didn’t match what I expected in a given situation.

Now, I'd like to share some of the ideas that clicked for me, why they resonated, the changes I implemented once I internalized them, and finally, the impact these changes have had on my relationship with her. 

These ideas are:

  1. The destructive power of words

  2. Being aware of and respecting their emotions

  3. If we want to instill honesty, then we must prepare to hear both pleasant and unpleasant truths.

  4. Fostering the child's independence by encouraging them to make their own decisions

THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF WORDS

I had already started working on this change before reading the book. One day at the beach,  my daughter, with her mother's support, found the courage to tell me (crying, full of sadness) that she was very afraid of me when I got angry and yelled.

That moment hit me incredibly hard. I come from a home with a lot of physical, verbal, and psychological violence. To give you some context, I can share a few "gems" from my childhood: I used to be woken up at night with belt lashings if I had done something my father didn’t like; I witnessed my mother being hit; my mother split my lip hitting me. I suffered psychological abuse in many ways and received unfair and exaggerated punishments, like not having my birthdays celebrated or being kicked out of the house at 17. I haven’t spoken to my father in over 20 years, and I have no intention  of that changing.

Given this background, from the very first day I learned I was going to be a dad, I knew I wanted to be a completely different kind of dad than my father was to me.  I didn’t want my child to go through even a shadow of what I had lived. But while I thought I was already very different from my father, I didn’t realize that, even if I never laid a hand on her, the tone and anger I expressed when I was angry clearly generated "so much fear" in her, as she herself said.

Seeing my daughter's eyes filled with a mixture of fear and sadness was very painful for me. I saw her pain, and it reminded me of my own. I understood that I was only halfway through the journey of change needed to give her a healthier childhood.

After that conversation, I focused on softening my words, my tone, and even finding alternatives to punishment. And in the following months, our communication noticeably improved. She even acknowledged the difference. But I eventually reached a plateau. I felt that while my daughter was less afraid of my reactions (mainly because I was no longer reacting in the same way), the fear was still present. She could still sense when I was upset, even in my gestures.

Of course, in my internal logic, I had  come to the conclusion that for my daughter not to be afraid, I shouldn't get angry at all, and if I was upset, I shouldn't show it. I failed at both, haha.

Then I started reading Between Parent and Child, and I began to understand that the key to communication isn’t about not getting angry; it's about learning how to express that anger.

As parents, we're often unaware that we unintentionally repeat many of the phrases and tones we heard as children. Not because we lack love or intelligence, but because we lack understanding and knowledge. This realization was a breath of fresh air for me. It eased my guilt and gave me new tools for the next phase of this journey.

Focusing on examining my responses—protecting feelings without criticizing—was a powerful piece of advice. The idea of speaking to my child the way our parents used to speak to guests or strangers really hit home. I also became more aware of the destructive power of sarcasm, and more intentional about being precise and concise when expressing ideas, limits, or emotions.

Focusing on examining my responses, protecting feelings without criticizing, just as our parents did with guests and strangers, was a powerful piece of advice. The idea of speaking to my child the way we speak to guests or strangers really hit home. I also became more aware of the destructive power of sarcasm, and more intentional about being precise and concise when expressing ideas, boundaries, or emotions.

My daughter noticed all these changes. She told me so, and we celebrated together. It also helped her discover new ways to handle anger. Our communication improved remarkably. Now, she can tell me when I’m raising my voice, and I can moderate my tone and continue expressing my frustration calmly. The best part is that it works both ways: I can also tell her when she's raising her voice, and it helps her calm down, reframe her thoughts, and try again.

I have to say that my daughter’s fear of me hasn’t disappeared completely. I sense she still fears disappointing me. That’s something I’m still working on… also thanks to this book, but that’s a story for another time.

BEING AWARE OF AND RESPECTING THEIR EMOTIONS

Since children often struggle to express their emotions, it helps if we, as parents, can learn to listen to them, rather than reacting to the behaviors  those emotions cause. When your child is upset, scared, or sad and expresses it, offer them your time and understanding. This will help them calm down and find better ways to cope with  those feelings.

This change truly began when I read the book: I started listening to what my daughter had to say, without judging, avoiding comments like “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “you have no reason to feel like that.” Instead, I empathized with her emotions. Questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or phrases like, “I understand, that must be really unpleasant,” really resonated with her. She noticed that idea of "you matter to me, I want to understand your feelings," and little by little, she began to tell me more and more about how she felt 

The feelings she once expressed as, “Dad, I feel weird, like I’m in shadows pressing on me, and I don’t know what I feel,” have now transformed into: “I hate you, I hate Tinkuy, I’m scared of this and that, I feel embarrassed doing this or that, I feel sad about this or that.”

It’s true what the book says: that we should care about our child’s feelings before trying to change their behavior. Once my daughter noticed this shift in me and felt understood, it helped her not only begin naming her emotions, but also reflect, through our Socratic conversations, on how she felt, what she would have done differently, what part of the situation was her responsibility. This has helped her avoid unpleasant experiences, face situations that take her out of her comfort zone, be more empathetic with her peers, better organize her responsibilities, and take ownership of her actions.

The confidence my daughter has gained in expressing her emotions, whether positive, negative, or mixed, without fear of being judged, and feeling understood and loved, has been one of the biggest changes I've seen in her.

It has allowed me to become her emotional confidant, a person she trusts with her feelings. That’s a beautiful and healing gift for me, and I hope to strengthen it more each day.

It also makes everyday conflicts, whether at home or school, easier to resolve,  because understanding how she feels makes it easier for both of us to find new ways to overcome the challenge.

The book says, “It’s more important for a child to know what they’re feeling than to know why they’re feeling it, because that helps them feel less inner confusion.” And for my daughter, that’s absolutely been true.

IF WE WANT TO INSTILL HONESTY, THEN WE MUST PREPARE TO HEAR BOTH PLEASANT AND UNPLEASANT TRUTHS.

This advice has also played a big role in changing the way I communicate with my daughter. One line from the book really struck me: “I’m not interested in assigning blame; I’m interested in finding solutions.” That phrase has had a positive impact on her too. She’s realized that she can tell me things without me judging her or dismissing her feelings or actions. I see that she feels much more comfortable talking to me now.

FOSTERING THE CHILD'S INDEPENDENCE BY ENCOURAGING THEM TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS.

Before reading the book, I already tried to foster independence, letting her choose her clothes, deciding whether to shower or make her bed first, or picking between a pear or an apple. But honestly, I did it mostly to avoid conflict and give her a sense of control. 

The book helped me move to the next level. Truly giving her the responsibility to choose and encouraging her with phrases like It’s up to you,” “Whatever you decide is fine with me,” or “Actually, it depends on you”, has not only encouraged her independence but has also given her the satisfaction of making her own decisions and enjoying my faith in them.

She’s gained confidence. Now she’s more proactive about organizing her time for both play and study, often choosing responsibility over fun on her own.

These are some of the ideas I wanted to share with you. I hope you enjoy the book and find it as useful as I have.

* Original version in Spanish. Translated to English by the Editor.